The Art of the Literary Insult (article)

This is just an article I wrote for one of my writing classes here at college. Nothing spectacular, just interesting.

THE ART OF THE LITERARY INSULT

There’s nothing more satisfying than a good insult, assuming you aren’t the one being insulted. Something about the searing of a person’s ego beneath the hot iron of wit makes our chins subconsciously rise in pride. However, as our language has digressed more and more with the passing of generations, our verbal slapping has gone downhill with it. Many of today’s smack-downs are nothing more than Neanderthal-style stupidity in word form (the phrase “your mom” comes to mind).

Believe it or not, great literary figures of times past had their insults down to a science. It makes sense—all famous writers ever did back then was sit around and think about words. Big, complicated, lop-your-head-off-without-you-knowing-about-it words. And lop off heads they did.

Starting with the oldest, here are five of the most surprisingly funny insults from esteemed literary figures.

5.  Jonathan Swift (1667-1745):

“She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.”

                In the world of criticism, there are particular insults that can be easily modified and applied to present-day situations. Here, Swift takes an agricultural tool of the day, adds an active motion, multiplies it against someone’s physical appearance, resulting in an insult that does not seem to be nearly 300 years old. In simpler terms, garden tool + movement x appearance= smashingly effective insult. If we were to take Swift’s formula for this particular degradation and apply it to modern times, we would come up with something like this: “He wears his outfit as if it were tossed on him with a leaf-blower.” Just remember one thing: when this formula for insulting one’s appearance becomes world-famous, be sure to give credit back to the original mastermind—Jonathan Swift.

4.  Charles Dickens (1832-1888):           

“He would make a lovely corpse.”

Charles Dickens, known especially for his novels regarding the poor and lower class in England, had quite an aptitude for bluntness. In this quotation from his book The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit, Dickens make good use of a blunt statement by skewing it with a half-compliment. Ordinarily, we hear the phrase as, “She will make a lovely bride.” By combining what one expects to be a compliment with such a blunt statement as, “I wish you were dead,” you are left with the blatant, yet crafty insult as created by Charles Dickens.

3.  Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894):

“I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.”

                One of the most famous adventure novelists of his time, Robert Louis Stevenson is no stranger to the literary world. Many have read such captivating stories as Treasure Island or The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and many are also aware of his extremely flamboyant vocabulary. This quotation is the perfect example of lofty vocabulary crafted into a degrading insult. Assuming you decided to use this insult today, the most you would get is a blank stare, or perhaps a well thought out, “Huh?” Therefore, I will translate it for your convenience. In today’s English, Stevenson is saying, “You mean so little to me, that it’s almost like I’m avoiding you.” Stevenson had apparently mastered the art of telling someone to go away.

4.  Irvin S. Cobb (1876-1944):

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

This quotation is another example of combining an expected compliment with the opposite. The original compliment, or rather condolence, should read, “Let’s hope it’s nothing serious,” implying that you care about the afflicted individual and wish him a full recovery. That sympathy is what you expect to follow the beginning of this wonderful insult. However, by saying you hope it is nothing trivial, you are essentially cackling in the face of the diseased one, and announcing your hatred for him by wishing him a speedy demise. That is what I have termed a “diabolically-clever” insult.

1.  P. G. Wodehouse (1881-1975):

“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.”

 In my numerous years of reading, I have never come across an insult as visually humorous as this. The thought of a man approaching another man and, being so disgusted by his lack of hair-hygiene, compares the unruly mop to a flower is hysterical. This type of put-down I have affectionately dubbed a “horticultural insult” because of its naturist theme. If you ever want to insult a man to the point that he feels his very masculinity is in jeopardy, tell him he looks like a flower.  I guarantee he won’t smile and thank you for the compliment, and you are guaranteed to elicit laughter from spectators before the offended man punches you in the face.

                These are simply a few of the countless insults created by those masters of classic literature. Perhaps now some of you, readers, will be motivated to craft some of your own intellectual insults using the formats invented by past writers. I am sure these men didn’t ever picture their witty retorts as being featured in a magazine of the future, analyzed for their humorous content, or used to create modern-day insults. Well, classical writers, they have been. You’re welcome.