It Just Sucks

Being alone again is something I honestly didn't expect. If anything, when we first got back together, I thought I'D be the one to end it, if that ever happened. But I figured that was foolish. We'd been through enough hard stuff before--this would be a breeze. We loved each other, after all. Love conquers all things!

Except parents. And unchangeable circumstances/characters. I should have figured that out.

I haven't eaten anything today, and I probably won't for a very long time. It's almost as if my stomach is in tune with my emotions. When my emotions say, "I'm screwed up. I don't want anyone or anything around me forever," my stomach goes, "Oh okay, me neither! No food for you!"

In other news, I just recently finished reading John Dies At the End. I hated it at first. Really stupid, tons of errors (grammatical and otherwise), and very boring. But after a chapter or two, I got sucked into it. It does pick up after a bit, and it gets pretty interesting. I enjoyed the read, often having difficulty choosing between sleep and finishing a chapter. Note--you MUST read the prologue and epilogue. It really isn't optional, unless you want chunks of the story missing. Also, this is a book for a very select demographic: i.e., nerdy, sci-fi, post-apocalyptic, Cracked.com readers. So, me. And very few people I know.

Well, as much as I'm actually enjoying being distracted, I have to go get ready to help with a kids thing tonight and be swarmed by lovey, oblivious little ones while my heart feels like shredded pork (sans deliciousness).

This really does suck.


_Niko_

Ode to Revelations (thought)

I don't like finding out who my real friends are.

It ends up being no one.

"About Me" (list)

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE 
Name: Nikko Surrano

Birth date: 04/20/91
Birth place: Florida Panhandle
Current Location: Depending on what current means, either Colorado or Florida.
Hair Color: "Currently" (haha) blonde
Righty or Lefty: Right handed, left footed

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE 
Your heritage: British, German, Native American
Your weakness: Far too trusting
Your perfect pizza: Hawaiian
Goals you’d like to achieve: Publishing my book, and just generally making it in the writing industry. I want to leave a legacy.

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW 
Your most overused phrase: "Right, right."
Your thoughts first waking up: "Is that a text message or my alarm going off?”
Your best physical feature: I like the very front of my face. Like, if you could draw a rectangle with my eyes as the top corners down to my dimples, containing my nose and mouth, that's what I consider my best. My eyes change color with what I wear too. I think that's cool.
Your bedtime: between 2 and 3 a.m., generally 
Your most missed memory: ? i.e., a memory I can't remember, or one that I wish I could relive? The first doesn't make sense, so I'll assume the second: I miss riding my horse in the bull fighting ring down in Venezuela.

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: I don't care. Whatever is closer.
McDonald’s or Burger King: I didn't realize Burger King was still around.

Single or group dates: Never been on a group date.

Adidas or Nike: Adidas, definitely

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Neither. Homemade sweet tea
Chocolate or vanilla: Both, mixed together
Cappuccino or coffee: Either

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU? 
Smoke: No 
Cuss: No
Single: Do I single? Um... yes? I don't know.
Take a shower: Why yes, I do. It's pleasant and soothing. 
Have a crush: Somewhat. But not really.

Think you’ve been in love: I know I have.

Want to get married: Yes
Believe in yourself: Depends on the situation. Generally, no, and then I surprise myself by pulling through just fine.
Get motion sickness: Never. I have a stomach of steel.

Think you’re attractive: I have been told as much. Personally, I don't think much on it. 
Think you’re a health freak: No. I mean, I don't purposely try to be a slob healthwise, but seemingly what I eat and drink has no bearing on how I feel physically, so I don't pay attention to it.
Get along with your parents: Yes 
Like thunderstorms: Only during the day. Not at night.

Play an instrument: I've attempted piano, clarinet, and trumpet, but can only play drums well.

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH 
Drank alcohol: No
Gone on a date: No 
Gone to the mall: Yes, for about ten minutes while a friend exchanged something. I don't go out much.

Been on stage: No

Eaten an entire box of Oreos: No. I wanted to buy a pack yesterday but the machine was broken

Eaten sushi: Unfortunately, no.
Been dumped: In the past month, no.

Gone skating: Yes, actually. Hated it.
Gone skinny dipping: Never

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER 
Played a game that required removal of clothing: No
Been trashed or extremely intoxicated: I pretended to be, once. But not for real.
Been caught “doing something”: This is extremely vague. I guess the quotation marks imply something dirty-- if that's the case, no. (which can mean either I'm very innocent, or very good at hiding :)
Gotten beaten up: Verbally, yes. Physically, never. I've wrestled and fought down a number of people much bigger and faster than I.

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLDER 
Age you hope to be married: 23+
Number of Children: 2-3 
Dream wedding: I honestly don't think about it. I'm unusual that way, but it's whatever to me. When I'm engaged, I'll think about it. Maybe. 
What do you want to be when you grow up: A mother, wife, author, and good, reliable Christian.
What country would you most like to visit/see: Egypt

LAYER NINE: IN A GAL/GUY 
Best eye color?: Blue, or gray. Light colors draw me in. 

Best hair color?: Really don't care
Short or long hair: Short. I love high and tights.
Height: Taller than me, enough to where I feel secure.

Best first date location: No preference whatsoever. Except a house...that might be awkward.

LAYER TEN: IN THE NUMBERS
Number of people I could trust with my life: Six--four family members, two non-family
Number of CD’s I own: I haven't counted them, but my collection isn't huge.
Number of piercings: Five
Number of tattoos: Zero (someday I would like a wedding ring tattoo, in addition to the traditional wedding bands)
Number of times my name has appeared in the Newspaper: Not a lot, if any. I don't remember.

What song would best describe your life: Thank the Watchmaker by And Then There Were None

Why? (song/poem)

By Nikko · Saturday, August 14, 2010

We used to be so close, always hanging out and chasing

After wild dreams and stupid schemes, had no cares about the hating.

I used to call you up to tell you everything each day,

And you would laugh and top my stories, saying "Come on, I've done the same."

Then your brother called and told me all about that broken night.

Now I'm sitting on my bed and cryin hard about your life.

How'd I go and lose my friend, the best I ever had?

My dreamer and my schemer, my partner through the bad.

Rough and good times both of course, and on your shoulder I'd depend.

You were everything and more to me, why didn't I see it then?

You used to be a soldier, trooping on when others couldn't.

Now you're laying in a hospital, just because you wouldn't.

You said you were messed up and that nobody else could help you.

I should have been there all along and helping pull you through.

How'd I go and lose my friend, the best I ever had?

My dreamer and my schemer, my partner through the bad.

Rough and good times both of course, and on your shoulder I'd depend.

You were everything and more to me, why didn't I see it then?

I'm so sorry for the hurt I've caused and for not taking time,

And for blatantly assuming, when I should have asked you,

Why?

Am I Insane? (essay)

by Nikko on Friday, March 4, 2011 at 11:43am 

I cling to things. certain objects, memories, even people. Especially people. You want to know the surest, most effective way to tear me to pieces?

Become my friend.
Then leave. 

Losing friends devastates me more than anything else in this world. I don't know why or what messes me up that way. Maybe it's a complex. Maybe i'm insane.

Or maybe.

Maybe my subconscious understands the world better than I think. What truly matters in life? Money? Fame? Of course not. 

People do. 

Relationships are the crux of our existence. Guess why so many rich, famous, beautiful people are miserable- hurting themselves and doing away with themselves on a regular basis? It's because their relationships suck. Whether it be scandal with their latest lovers, or terrible family ties, or even the lack of a single person with whom they can be completely honest. 

Maybe I subconsciously realize this, and am terrified of losing my touch with the world- my meaning in life if i lose a friend. I understand friends come and go, but for whatever reason, it scares me.

I will make myself sick from crying, even half crucifiy myself for self-serving, unappreciative know it alls sometimes, simply because I've considered them at one point to be a friend, and I feel an overwhelming compulsion to do whatever it takes to hold onto them.

And then there are those I really care about. 

My brother.
Any family, period.
Innocents, children.
Soldiers.

And the very, very few who have known me for years, and who know me inside out, backwards, and nine kinds of sideways. Those who I have true history with, both good and bad. Those who I can literally tell ANYTHING to without fear of judgement or ridicule. 
You are the ones I would be fully crucified for. I wouldn't just cry for you- I'd die. Willingly. 
So maybe my mind is protecting me from losing my touch with what matters in life. 

Or Maybe I'm just crazy. It's possible.

Welcome to the World (poem)

by Nikko on Saturday, August 20, 2011 at 1:32am 

Welcome to the world,

Where what you see is never what you get.

Expect the unexpected

In this maze of deserted hopes and dreams.

This place, where growing old is unheard of,

And depression is flippantly epidemical.

Now you- so young and full of power-

You prepare to rush headlong, righting the wrongs

And conquering the miserable throngs.

You’re full of life and skill and spark,

You even have a flame to light the dark.

But don’t worry-

This place will soon snuff it out for you.

Welcome to the world.

The Art of the Literary Insult (article)

This is just an article I wrote for one of my writing classes here at college. Nothing spectacular, just interesting.

THE ART OF THE LITERARY INSULT

There’s nothing more satisfying than a good insult, assuming you aren’t the one being insulted. Something about the searing of a person’s ego beneath the hot iron of wit makes our chins subconsciously rise in pride. However, as our language has digressed more and more with the passing of generations, our verbal slapping has gone downhill with it. Many of today’s smack-downs are nothing more than Neanderthal-style stupidity in word form (the phrase “your mom” comes to mind).

Believe it or not, great literary figures of times past had their insults down to a science. It makes sense—all famous writers ever did back then was sit around and think about words. Big, complicated, lop-your-head-off-without-you-knowing-about-it words. And lop off heads they did.

Starting with the oldest, here are five of the most surprisingly funny insults from esteemed literary figures.

5.  Jonathan Swift (1667-1745):

“She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.”

                In the world of criticism, there are particular insults that can be easily modified and applied to present-day situations. Here, Swift takes an agricultural tool of the day, adds an active motion, multiplies it against someone’s physical appearance, resulting in an insult that does not seem to be nearly 300 years old. In simpler terms, garden tool + movement x appearance= smashingly effective insult. If we were to take Swift’s formula for this particular degradation and apply it to modern times, we would come up with something like this: “He wears his outfit as if it were tossed on him with a leaf-blower.” Just remember one thing: when this formula for insulting one’s appearance becomes world-famous, be sure to give credit back to the original mastermind—Jonathan Swift.

4.  Charles Dickens (1832-1888):           

“He would make a lovely corpse.”

Charles Dickens, known especially for his novels regarding the poor and lower class in England, had quite an aptitude for bluntness. In this quotation from his book The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit, Dickens make good use of a blunt statement by skewing it with a half-compliment. Ordinarily, we hear the phrase as, “She will make a lovely bride.” By combining what one expects to be a compliment with such a blunt statement as, “I wish you were dead,” you are left with the blatant, yet crafty insult as created by Charles Dickens.

3.  Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894):

“I regard you with an indifference closely bordering on aversion.”

                One of the most famous adventure novelists of his time, Robert Louis Stevenson is no stranger to the literary world. Many have read such captivating stories as Treasure Island or The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, and many are also aware of his extremely flamboyant vocabulary. This quotation is the perfect example of lofty vocabulary crafted into a degrading insult. Assuming you decided to use this insult today, the most you would get is a blank stare, or perhaps a well thought out, “Huh?” Therefore, I will translate it for your convenience. In today’s English, Stevenson is saying, “You mean so little to me, that it’s almost like I’m avoiding you.” Stevenson had apparently mastered the art of telling someone to go away.

4.  Irvin S. Cobb (1876-1944):

“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.”

This quotation is another example of combining an expected compliment with the opposite. The original compliment, or rather condolence, should read, “Let’s hope it’s nothing serious,” implying that you care about the afflicted individual and wish him a full recovery. That sympathy is what you expect to follow the beginning of this wonderful insult. However, by saying you hope it is nothing trivial, you are essentially cackling in the face of the diseased one, and announcing your hatred for him by wishing him a speedy demise. That is what I have termed a “diabolically-clever” insult.

1.  P. G. Wodehouse (1881-1975):

“Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.”

 In my numerous years of reading, I have never come across an insult as visually humorous as this. The thought of a man approaching another man and, being so disgusted by his lack of hair-hygiene, compares the unruly mop to a flower is hysterical. This type of put-down I have affectionately dubbed a “horticultural insult” because of its naturist theme. If you ever want to insult a man to the point that he feels his very masculinity is in jeopardy, tell him he looks like a flower.  I guarantee he won’t smile and thank you for the compliment, and you are guaranteed to elicit laughter from spectators before the offended man punches you in the face.

                These are simply a few of the countless insults created by those masters of classic literature. Perhaps now some of you, readers, will be motivated to craft some of your own intellectual insults using the formats invented by past writers. I am sure these men didn’t ever picture their witty retorts as being featured in a magazine of the future, analyzed for their humorous content, or used to create modern-day insults. Well, classical writers, they have been. You’re welcome.